A tale of a Cat

click

I turn my key to unlock my front door.

creak

I open the door.

flomp

I am lying on my back, a result of my cat tackling me the second she saw me.

“I’m hungry~” she sings. She thinks that saying it in a cutesy way makes it an appropriate greeting. Without responding, I grip my arms tight around her. Last time, she realized she was outside after greeting me, and I spent an hour chasing after her to get her back inside.

After a few moments to regather my strength, I finally try to get up. An impossible task when you are keeping one arm wrapped around a cat as she gets more squirmy with each passing moment.

“Hi hungry, I’m your girlfriend,” I say with frustration, “now can we both go inside now?”

“Otay!!! Colon three.” I groan in response.

I let go, keeping a steely gaze on her. Hoping that my eyes alone can convey the amount of trouble she’d be in if she ran away.

To my surprise, she barely looks in my direction after I let go. No smirk, no wiggles to signal a pounce, or a last second dash. She just… walks inside without incident.

I quickly follow her inside. Just hoping to finally close the door before she decides to make an escape just to piss me off.

To my surprise, she is already curled up on the couch. Smiling and happy with an electric blanket wrapped around her, while some nature documentaries play on the TV. Tired and exhausted from a day at work, I unencumber myself from shoes and pants and drag myself onto the couch. Flopping against the toasty kitten.

She leaned over and kissed my head and repeated. “Hi your girlfriend, I’m hungry.”

“Did you eat today?” I asked, knowing the answer will be no.

“Does snacks count?” ‘Snacks’ meaning Cheetos and gummy bears.

“Nope.”

“You know you’d be less hungry if you made yourself a meal for once.” She won’t make herself a meal.

“But your meals taste better!”

Before I could scold her, my stomach voiced reply with a growl.

“Sounds like you agree!” I don’t even bother to say anything, silently getting up to make us both food. “What’s for dinner?”

I don’t answer yet, gonna decide when I see what we have in the kitchen first. I step up to the fridge, cursing my cold legs and decision to remove my pants as soon as I feel the chilly fridge air.

Inside, front and center I see a sign. ‘I ordered us pizza silly billy! X3’

I storm back into the living room. I realize that the smile and cozy look she has been wearing was just a smirk in disguise this entire time. She has the utmost satisfaction knowing she got one over one me again. Unlike most times, I can’t even work up getting annoyed. Instead I deposit myself onto the couch again and steal some of that blanket to rewarm my legs.

“Don’t you have something to saaaay~?” The sing-song brat has a point.

“Thank you kitten.”

“Nope! You’re supposed to say, ‘and take out tastes better than my cooking’.” Giving a mock grumpy voice that is supposed to be an impersonation my own.

I finally relax and let my guard down. “Nope. I’m a pretty damn good cook.”

She kisses me on the head and giggles, “dunno~ anchovies and green peppers tastes better than your pasta!”

“Oh god please don’t tell me that’s what you got on the pizza!”

“I diiiiiiid~,” she pauses to indulge in my misery, “on one half! Got double pepperoni on the other half for you. Colon three.”

I don’t give her the satisfaction of annoyance. Instead, grabbing the remote to find something else to watch. Nature documentaries depress me. Instead I find a speed run of Legend of Zelda and cuddle up to my girlfriend.

“I love you grumpy.”

“I love you too kitten.”